Good maaaaaawning! Whoo, I’m really happy today, because I finally slept through the night fot the first time since the start of the heat wave. A good night’s rest really does half the job for me when it comes to feeling good.
The last two days I decided not to post anything, but wish to write about it now. On wednessday I tried to sleep early after work, because I had to wake at 4 am in the morning for work the next day, but I didn’t get any closer to sleeping than trying to. Oh dear, was I bad-tempered when I had to get up. I was really longing for Mr. Sandman. My focus was less and I noticed it was harder to keep my thoughts in order, my body and mind were tired.
To practise with focussing and relax a bit I figured I could try to absorb the environment while cycling to work. Observing what was going on at 5 in the morning on a normal weekday.
At first I thought it was very quiet, but when I listened with attention I heard the birds and the further I got the more cars I noticed. The sky turned from a greyish dark blue to lighter blue with orange at the horizon within the hour. I couldn’t help but to look how the orange light, turned more yellow and kept filling the sky higher and higher. Near the city, right before the bridge I saw the first early birds going for their morning run, some on their own, some in groups. I never knew there were groups like this exercising that early in the morning. It was fun to see and I could imagine that it must be nice to work out when it’s still quiet outside.
When I just drove on the bridge I stopped, got of my bike and looked at the Hef, the old railway bridge across my old home (which I could see from there too) and saw the sun coming up. I remember looking out the window of my old home often to see the sun rise above the south side of Rotterdam and it felt like a cruel memory, but also a beautiful reminder. I could be ever so sad, looking out that window or from that balcony always brought me calmness and comfort. How difficult life may have felt at those moments, I knew there were always beautiful things like this to be found.
In the centre I saw two or three lost partygoers recovering from their nights on the grass and benches, all staring into the nothingness as if they had shut down for a moment.
Didn’t think a ride to work could be that interesting. Busy with my surroundings, chaotic thoughts had to time to pop op in my head and I felt sharp enough to do my work properly and without any emotional discomfort.
When I came home from work I tried not to fall asleep so that I could sleep at night, but took it easy. I shared a lapis with my mom and went out for a walk with my mom. In the evening I met with friends at the venue Baroeg (where I volunteer) and checked out the band of a friend. I also scored a point with table football! Huge deal <3 I noticed I really missed myfriends and I was happy I made time to see them, even a person I rather stay away from.
It slowly stops being hard on me being around this person, because I’ve grown much in the last couple of months, learning to not be bothered by my own thoughts and see things for what they really are, not what I think they might be. That, I can tell you, can give a lot of peace. Setting boundaries without regret, thinking in grey, no black or white, seeing all sides relieving me from inappropriate guilt. Ever have these moments? That you can see the change, the positive change in comparison with what or who you left behind?