New Year’s Day: looking back for my 2019 goals

While writing this it is new years morning 2019 and while a lot of people are still resting their (heavy) heads on their soft pillows, the first idiot is already up to light his last fireworks and I am up to write about my goals for 2019. A process I started more than a week ago.

If I’m completely fair my inner circle knows that’s not entirely true. A week ago I wrote 2019 on top of a blank note and I gathered all things I’ve been working on for the last year, some things even longer.  Beware this is going to be a loooong read.

“Go back to start”

New Year’s Eve is a happy night for a lot of us because it’s also the moment where a lot of us officially get a reset. Do we really get it? Nah, we choose to have this moment, because it’s a perfect moment for yourself to reset. Others around you talk about starting over and making changes, and it’s easier to go along at that moment than give yourself that moment in the middle of a year that probably is hectic enough already.

Most people just miss or fail to create the space and room to think things over and start a change, and I can’t blame them. What’s more perfect than those mandatory days off to spend some time thinking about what really matters to you. It makes perfect sense why so many people choose the 1st of January as their tipping point.

“That’s so cliché”

Of course we have the ‘same asshole, different year’-people and the ‘new years resolutions are stupid, you shouldn’t need the new year to do it’-turds. In some way they are right to think a new year is not gonna change you. You need to change yourself and that can be at any time. How that is absolutely true, they have no right to judge and bitch on others for choosing a certain period of time in the year to do so. I think everyone is perfectly aware that change is up to them and no one else.

In doubt

While I think the same about the necessity of new year’s resolutions, it pains me (it really does) that I saw people doing the following, last night and the days before when they wanted to tell the world their own stories on their 2018 experiences, hardships and good hopes for 2019: APOLOGIZING.

“It’s so cliché, but…”
“Alright, if other people do it, I will do to”

Everything in these words tells me people already wanted to tell about what 2018 has been like for them, but we’re waiting for the right time to start of felt awkward to do so because people love yelling how stupid it is.

“Sorry, not sorry”

Let me tell you this: don’t apologize! They don’t give anything about their opinions and you shouldn’t either. However I believe we should be much less judgemental and open, we also know not everyone is ready for it and the only way to make them ready is to be: YOU and tell that story you wanna tell.

They’ll never understand if you don’t

If you don’t tell your stories people will never know the importance it has to you and change their minds. So share it and don’t feel sorry for it (: This is also how I feel about stories on mental health, and any subject for that matter.

As I always say in any situation where understanding needs to be created without necessarily changing your own ways: Accept that what works for you doesn’t have to work for everyone and vice versa, and that is perfectly fine. This principle works over and over again and it’s called open conversation. My brother and I will make a piece on it this year.

My tipping point

But yes, my reset moment happened a lot earlier last year than anticipated, and the thing is that I didn’t even realize how much I needed it. So all of my goals for the new year are guidelines coming out of a process that is already going on for months.


I suffer from chronic depression since early Highschool, unaware but have steamed my way through all of my jobs and education with full force. It doesn’t mean I am depressed and am a negative person, see it as gloom that bothers me. Imagine what I’m able to do now I know this and am learning to deal with the gloom even better.

For a long period of time, I thought it was just part of my personality and had a just somewhat ‘dark and dramatic’ brain that loves chaos and thinks fast. My bf sometimes jokes my brain is like a processor that has many processes running at the same time. Yes, calls me Windows :’) Thanks a lot.

Seeing your assets

Now that I talk about it, I’ve always loved that part. How it may seem strange but how I’m wired, makes that I think quickly, creatively, make connections like drawing a thought web on a huge wall and therefore come up with a lot of ideas. That’s why I love writing so much, playing with words, bringing the thoughts and visuals in my right down to the paper and have so many activities I love doing.

Also being used to a great amount of stress and chaos makes highly chaotic situations on the floor for me easy to handle. It mostly helps me help other people around me stay calm. Because no matter how stressful things become, things will always work out at the end of the ride. Going crazy on your ride only makes the ride worse because it’s definitely not going any faster :’) You have to sit it out.

Helping and understanding others comes quite easy for me because it doesn’t take a lot for me to understand someone, notice his or her feelings and then make them feel comfortable and not alone. It makes me a good listener, adviser, team player, and coach. No wonder managing, organizing and coördinating suits me so well. The same goes for all creative things such as writing, drawing, singing or making images. I’m an empath with #feels that need expressing. It’s what I’m naturally good at.

It took some time for me to refigure that out. My reset gave me all the time to do so.

When the fire runs out

The downside of an inner dark mind and high tolerance of pressure and unawareness of your condition is that at some time you will lose balance. Balance, I’m luckily retrieving back and getting even better at now. Even if your tolerance is high, there’s still a limit to it. I just hadn’t reached it yet and never took the time to bring back the balance with physical and mental rest. The Naiveté :’)

Burned out

Last year I moved fast too quickly. And although life’s also a bit about luck and having your stars aligned at the right time it’s also your own responsibility to check in with yourself once in a while. Oops, how I can say I forgot about that, and life dealt me not the best set of cards as well.

I burned out and although I fought it at first and wanted to get back at my feet real quick I soon knew what I had always known: girl, you have to sit the ride out. It was June.

A sane moment, right there, but being burned out and suffering from chronic depression I can tell you, while you are completely sane and you know that deep down, your mind tells you, you should reaaaally doubt that thought. And once you go down… Yes, spirals! And I don’t have to tell anyone going down is easier than going up, especially when you’re extremely tired.


I lost my fire for a moment, but my spirit always remained. I met anxieties I never had before and I never felt so tired. If there’s any interest in what it is like to burn out and what I did/do to recover from it, leave a comment in the section below and I will add it to the mental health series. Although it is not marked in this country as a mental condition it is 50% body, 50% mind and those two are in constant connection. They never go apart, like mental health issues also in every way affect the body!

2018 A series of unfortunate events

At first, I started writing right here. I typed all the things that went wrong on so many levels leading up to that horrible but now precious reset moment.  I saw how many of them had new consequences that affected my life. I could literally draw the rollercoaster that was going down the hill. However, I decided not to write it down.

Even though how bad things went down, without this reset I’d never be where I am now and I truly think it is the better place. I also have a certain sense of what I think is professional, even for a personal blog, and I still believe in showing respect even if not paid back with the same coin and I was there with all of my own choices. Those who need to know already know.


Sickness in a family, career terms unmet, a series of unfortunate events, that’s probably the best way to sum up the sad little part. It also is life. These things happen every day. Accepting that but also recognize that you may feel sad or angry about it, is balance. Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t allowed. So if anyone ever says to you ‘that’s life’, tell them you know but that it’s also ok to process ‘that life’ in your body. See my thoughts on #falsepositivity.

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I've said it before and I'll keep saying it many times more, but the only way is to accept and feel all emotions of yourself as well as accepting the emotions of others! Don't tell anyone how to feel. Positivity is of help but not if forced! I see it happen and experience it so many times. It's not about how someone feels that is bad, but how we act on those emotions later on when we've processed them. Not sure yet what I'm taking about? Check out Susan David het Ted Talk (short intro on my FB page) watch how she explains (: Let's spread the word on emotion regulation 💜 #spreadtheword #emotions #positivity #falsepositivity #tedtalks #inspire #motivation #thoughtoftheday #mindfulness #mindset #awareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #happiness #bloggergirl #innerself #centred #mindbodyspirit #mindbodysoul

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Opportunity and directing

Positivity in this case means more like opportunity rather than feeling false happiness about a negative event. When you press play on that series of unfortunate events true friends appear, foe’s will reveal themselves and you’re ready meet more of your true self and what true you thinks is important. The cards dealt might not have been the best, but they were finally all on the table and they were open. Since half a year back I pressed pause and took the chance to shuffle them myself, throw things out and play with others, making my own endgame.

Best thing I’ve learned this year: you’re the director. Not that we don’t know, but I’m finally learning how. Isn’t that always the thing when you advise yourself, someone else or are advised. Secretly it’s all things we know, but how, that’s the real deal.

2018’s Highlights

Nothing is as beautiful without darkness, so my 2018 highlights we’re incredibly special to me. Let me show you my special ones:

Submit Fest 2018

The 2nd edition of Submit Fest was a blast and really showed u show much the festival and our team had grown. We had a great line-up withThe Charm The Fury, Carcer City, Kadinja, Ghost Iris, Death Remains, Hibakusha and The Evolutionist on our stage and the crowd was once again the best!

One of my favorite moments keeps on being this little guy having the time of his life. That’s why I do it. Music is for everyone and music is forever, and together we support the scene.  #supportingthescenetogether

Some artist took even greater steps afterward, and sometimes even together. And that is exactly what we pursue.

It’s also the moment where I got back to myself and my feelings. I released so much tension during the 2nd edition of our festival that my body finally was able to tell me: allright, stop girl. This is only something my music can do for me.

Drivers licence & Dori

Just like me this car keeps on swimming, no matter how broke AF. This babe had it’s issues after a couple of days and had to undergo expensive surgery :p after which she was broken into for a worthless radio, but now she runs like a handy, but runs nevertheless and she is my best budd. Concerts, bringing friends home, quickly over to my parents, groceries <3 I love it.

My new bestie: Mientje

This babe is an extremely dangerous one and therefore also the funniest. She has a whole other character than my previous soulmate and that makes her herself. She is incredibly clumsy like me, falls from stairs, stumbles over stuff(I’m glad I ensured her) and does everything for a treat. I mean everything. She likes cardboard boxes and the bath mat better than all of her beds. The first weeks she lived under the bed like a ghoul, missing her previous owner terribly and scared for the new surroundings. Now she loves to boss us around like a real diva. I think she feels home.

My mom’s clean

My mom fought cancer like a beast and beat it like a boss. Not many words have to be said to express the relief when finally the word ‘clean’ became official in the last months of the year.

10 Years at Baroeg Open Air 2018 by Jessica Santiago Lopez
10 Years at Baroeg Open Air 2018 by Jessica Santiago Lopez

10 years at Baroeg Open Air

Like every year Submit is to be found at Baroeg Open Air, but this year we had the pleasure to see 10 years coming over for the first time and host their signing session and merch. It was the first time ever for Baroeg Open Air to have a signing session as well. What made me happy most is to see how happy it made my teamie Jessica. The band has meant so much to her througout the years that we all had an emotional moment backstage. Love the crew <3

Euroblast 2018

I couldn’t miss this expenses this year due to the circumstances to do a weekend trip or a solo trip for a few weeks like I do every year, but I had a lot of fun combining Submit with such a lovely festival as Euroblast in Cologne. Pure inspiration, great artists and such friendly people <3


Soen was the first Submit Fest presents-show with Baroeg and it was a packed one. I had seen the show the day before at Euroblast where it already gave chills down my spine and seeing so many people enjoy Soen and our carefully selected support A Liquid Landscape and Hillsphere was definitely a highlight. When the crowd and artists are happy with the show and its results, so am I.

Read here about Submit Fest year.

Back in the gym

This has been a huge step for me and I’m glad I could take it. After such chaos and making no time for me, going back tot he gym with guidance has done a lot for me. Since fitness always was an outlet for me, but I was so extremely tired it has been hard to pick it up. Fitland has been of great help and if you’re curious; I track my progress.


I did it just before the year ended! A photoshoot with my best friend. We both had a rough year bu going the right direction now, feeling good enough to have some real fun again <3

Curly Hair Do(n’t) Care

Ah yes, my hair has never been healthier since I’ve started the Curly girl method for my wavy-curly hair and it is the crown on my head that makes me feel pretty. HAHA. So yeah <3

What now?

So how am I doing now? Personal growth, burnouts etc. have no time stamps and limits. You’ll feel when it’s finally over and sometimes it never will, but hey isn’t that why I tag-lined my blog ‘a neverending learning curve’? So yeah my goals for 2019 were already starting to shape since June.


In 2019 I’ll work further on my own projects in the music and creative industry because, in the end, that’s what I do best, and if you have a good look at my highlights it’s music and events that have my heart! Back to what I always knew. For 2019, my goal is to fully professionalize them by the end of the year. I’ve already built the foundations and it’s time to wrap it up!

Passing it on

I also believe that 2019 is the year in which I can completely beat my burnout and chronic depression and take a path in which I can learn to translate all my experiences to real help and care for those who need it.

Balance: Mind Body Spirit

I keep on building my workout regime and regulate my work/life balance more than ever because health, thanks to 2018, is my nr. 1 priority. I’ll check in more with myself and make more space for things that I love to do, so I’ve also set some artistic goals.

Be sure to find many articles on my blog on how I will achieve all these goals because nothing has done me more good than to write again, even if it was just about taking care of my curls.

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