So I was listening to Wax’s We can’t all be heroes and it turned out to be just what I needed. Yeah, I’m a lyric listener.
Last night was the first night I put on some sweat pants, because it was getting coldpChilling my white ass shining as clear as a full moon on the balcony feeling all happy and relaxed, but most of all motivated to work on redesigning my blog for when I get home.
For hours I have been brainstorming on how to fine tune it. Then all of a sudden I realized I have less than two months left to think about what I want my thesis to be about and that I should spend just as much time on that as writing on my blog. Since things changed since I left school and the course I did over the summer confused me more than it provided clarity on what I want I started panicking again. What do I want to do? What do I really like? What am I really good at? Will it provide enough? On what should I focus? Must I really focus? What if what I want are so many things? What if there’s not just one standing out? Heeeeellp! Heeellp!
I went from this happy backpacker to this one:
My thoughts were taking me far, far away, while I was still sitting down in my hostel room on the floor with paper and penn’s everywhere.
That familiar feeling of anxiety to start something that’s not worth it. To MUST know which way I wanto go. That bits of everything I like is not focus enough. The disappointment of knowing exactly which direction I’m headed to wondering why it does not seem to apply anymore. Does it? Or is there a high doses of fear standing in the way.
The whole ‘make a choice’ thing is killing my creativity. I like combining fragments into one unique thing. I like focusing on the shattered pieces.
Then I realized that’s just what I want. Go my own way, limitless. That’s what I do, it’s what I’m good at. Questioning things, break things, build things, feel things. Do more than just one thing.
The only one judging me for it is myself by giving into the pressure of average expectations. Thinking that’s what works. Now I’m calmed down I know it won’t unless it works for me too. I had this debate on how people should or should not follow their gut feelings. I think it’s important not to take them for facts, but never to ignore them. There’s always a message in there, telling you what it is that matters to you. ‘I ain’t talking about wealth, I’m talking about mental health’.
At one point I gave myself some rest from overthinking stuff. To get myself back into Airlie beach and enjoy the place.
So I still do not know exactly where I need to go, but the confronting moments alone slowly help me figure out at least what I think is important to me. Values, people, activities such as writing, researching, listening, caring, observing, creating and so on, so on. As you can see there’s a lot that drives me, nothing in particular.
Yesterday I told someone this 20-something quarterlife crisis is probably the most valuable thing I have at the moment. I’m developing me.
Tension is often productive when used without exhausting yourself.
It’s always darkest before the dawn & I’ve met many travellers with the same problem. We just want to see where it goes. Not waiting for anything to happen, but explore where we can take ourselves. What we think is worth working for, and working my ass off.. that’s my middle name.
Found the first metal listeners just outside my room. Time to head out!